50 Beliefs to Challenge During the Holidays
These were too easy to write. Probably because I've thought most of them.
Thanksgiving is often painted as starting a season of warmth and joy, but for many people, it’s tangled with old habits, cultural expectations, and unhelpful patterns of thinking. If you’re working on remapping yourself—learning to spot and shift these patterns—the holiday can be a powerful moment to notice what keeps you stuck in scarcity, shame, or perfectionism. It’s the perfect time to build mastery as you address them.
Remapping our neural pathways starts by recognizing cognitive distortions—habitual, often inaccurate thinking patterns that shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world. These mental shortcuts aren’t random; they’re automatic responses formed from our experiences, emotional states, and the culture we grew up in. Their familiarity makes them feel true, even though they can quietly influence our feelings and actions, especially during times of stress or uncertainty, such as the holidays.
When we face unknowns, the mind seeks certainty by filling in the blanks. This is a deeply human impulse: we create stories to make sense of what we don’t know, both in our personal lives and in the broader context of myth and culture. On a small scale, this tendency is central to how cognitive distortions form, as we invent explanations that might not match reality but feel comforting in the moment.
Trigger Warning: Holidays
Below are 50 beliefs to fact-check this season, organized into themes that seem to fit the holidays more than our usual days.
You might relate to some of these, or none at all—and that’s okay. They’re still worth reading because they offer insight into what others might think or feel.
Maybe you don’t have kids, but understanding that a parent’s stress over a possible meltdown isn’t about you is an act of empathy. Maybe you’ve never faced substance use disorder, but knowing it could be a struggle for someone else might help you respond with compassion.
This list isn’t just for your own healing—it’s an opportunity to build understanding and kindness for everyone at the table.
Grief and Loss
“If I enjoy myself, I’m betraying the person I lost.”
“Holidays will never hold any joy for me again.”
“People expect me to move on and be okay.”
“No one understands how much I’m hurting.”
“I should try to avoid thinking or talking about my grief.”
Grief carves its own space at the table during the holidays, sometimes quietly, sometimes with a rush of memory or longing. When we notice thoughts that tell us we shouldn’t feel joy or that sharing our pain will burden others, it’s important to pause—these are not truths, just painful stories grief tells. New rituals and small comforts can sit beside sorrow, and letting others in—whether through stories, moments of quiet company, or just reaching out—can soften isolation.
There’s no timeline for grief; both love and sadness have room to move in and out of holiday time. That’s part of the dialectics of it—that we can hold grief and happiness at the same time.
Spending Thanksgiving Alone
“Spending the holiday alone means I’m a failure.”
“Everyone else has a perfect Thanksgiving but me.”
“No one will miss me or care if I’m not there.”
“If I reach out and ask to connect, I’ll just bother people.”
“I have nothing to celebrate alone.”
When these thoughts pop up, it helps to pause and notice them for what they are—stories spun out of isolation and comparison, not the sum of our worth. Many of us end up alone during the holidays for all kinds of reasons, and it doesn’t mean we don’t matter. We are rarely seeing the full truth in anyone’s Thanksgiving—just their highlight reel or curated snapshots. I know this. I’ve posted plenty of them. Connection happens in big and small, visible and invisible ways. Reaching out, even if it feels risky, is often met with relief on both sides. Being alone can open space to rest, try something new, or simply opt out—and that, too, is a choice worth honoring.
Family Dynamics
“We have to agree with everyone to keep the peace.”
“If we argue, it means our family is broken.”
“I must uphold every family tradition or I’m letting people down.”
“My opinions make me the ‘difficult’ one.”
“If someone criticizes me, it means they don’t love me.”
These reflexive beliefs are old survival skills—tactics for belonging that can keep us stuck in people-pleasing and anxiety. But peace based on silence and self-erasure is never real peace. Disagreements happen in every family; the mark of healthy connection isn’t avoiding conflict, but learning how to repair and reconnect afterward. After growing up with very quiet family get-togethers that seemed a little fragile, I’ve learned that I love loud family events because we’re all already yelling. It’s very cathartic just to speak to each other.
Traditions can bend or evolve, especially as families themselves change. And, especially, if they have to. Sometimes we need to get out of our own way.
Kids and Parenting
“If our child acts out, it proves we’re bad parents.”
“Everyone is watching and judging my parenting.”
“If we don’t follow traditions perfectly, our kids will miss out.”
“If my child gets upset, the whole dinner is ruined.”
“Good parents shouldn’t need help with their kids.”
It’s so easy to think we’re being graded every time things go off-script—but parenting is always messy up close, especially around the holidays. Kids act out because of stir-crazy energy, excitement, fatigue, and a thousand other reasons that have nothing to do with our value. Meltdowns and mistakes are part of the package—one tough moment doesn’t ruin the whole day. And, remember, people judge parents all the time—the trick might be not to care.
The memories that last for kids are usually about feeling safe and connected. And probably pie.
Needing Assistance
“I shouldn’t bother people with my needs.”
“I’m such a burden.”
“Everyone else seems to manage fine without help.”
“If I need to rest or take a break, I’m letting others down.”
“Other people get frustrated with me because I slow things down.”
When our needs show up, especially around others, old discomfort can flare. But needs aren’t evidence of failure—they are an invitation to connection. Sharing our needs may feel awkward, but it allows others to step up and care in ways they might miss otherwise. Nearly everyone needs support sometimes, whether they show it or not. Plus, if the point of the holidays is to be together—embrace it. Be together.
By being open about our needs we can give people a heads-up so they can feel prepared. When people are caught off-guard or don’t know how to help is when things can get really awkward. So, being open and generous with gratitude can go a long way.
Disordered Eating
“I need to compensate for what I eat today by restricting tomorrow.”
“Holiday food is ‘bad’ and we’re ‘good’ if we avoid it.”
“If I eat dessert, I’ve blown the whole day.”
“People will judge me if I eat more than they do.”
“One meal will undo all my progress.”
Holiday tables are fraught with people talking about their diets. Not only does the lead-up to Thanksgiving come with all of the food prep and anxiety, but all the distorted thoughts I’ve written in this article make people with eating disorders more vulnerable to their symptoms. Holiday tables can stir up all-or-nothing thinking around food, but we don’t have to obey those scripts. Our bodies need steady nourishment, not moral judgments about what we eat.
We need to eat our meals as usual, check in with ourselves, and pay attention to our needs. Give ourselves a little extra TLC. And leave the room when someone talks about their most recent diet.
Being in Recovery
“I can’t deal with family without using.”
“If I feel triggered, it means I’m failing.”
“I should be able to handle everything perfectly now.”
“If I’m anxious, I’m backsliding.”
“I’ll have to explain our recovery to everyone.”
Recovery in the holiday season is real work, with old triggers and new emotions resurfacing. When tough moments show up, it doesn’t mean we’re failing or backsliding—it means we’re human, navigating human challenges. And we’re navigating them sober. If holidays are a particularly difficult time that you’re not sure you want to deal with, there’s no rule that you have to participate. You’re rebuilding yourself right now, so don’t push yourself too soon. Come up with a plan for how you’ll handle different situations so you’re not caught off-guard. Coping ahead will only make your day better…and your sobriety stronger.
What’s more important than you and your recovery right now? Nothing. And certainly not a turkey dinner.
Relationships
“Since I’m not dating anyone, people will assume I’m going to be single forever.”
“If we’re not planning to have kids, we’re disappointing our families.”
“If someone misgenders me or my partner, we have to ignore it to keep the peace.”
“If our relationship feels strained during Thanksgiving, it means everything’s falling apart.”
“If I need support or reassurance today, I’m being needy.”
Relationships—and the lack of them—get scrutinized under the holiday spotlight, as if our lives are supposed to hit certain milestones on everyone else’s timeline. But what actually matters is how we’re living and loving right now: whether we’re single, partnered, figuring things out, getting misgendered by relatives, or feeling stretched thin by expectations.
Our worth is not measured by rings, kids, or apparent relationship harmony, but by our capacity to show up honestly. And, never forget, your business is your own. You don’t owe anyone any explanations.
Being a Caregiver
“If I take a break, I’m neglecting my loved one.”
“I should never feel resentful.”
“My needs don’t matter during the holidays.”
“We have to keep traditions exactly the same for them.”
“I can’t enjoy myself while they’re struggling.”
Caretaking during the holidays is a delicate dance between honoring those we care for and remembering that we, too, are worthy of gentleness and joy. It means letting go of the need for perfection—simplifying traditions, setting boundaries with family and friends, and allowing ourselves to ask for help when we’re running low. If guilt or resentment arises, they’re usually knocking to remind us we have our own needs—needs that are just as valid, especially now. By pausing often, protecting time for rest, and reimagining old rituals to fit our actual energy, we keep ourselves whole. There’s no single right way to care during the holidays, but compassion—offered inward as well as outward—is always the heart of it.
I used to maintain traditions of baking a number of classic cookies and other sweets year after year, but barely baked at all last year. Now that I’ve started writing these articles, I know why. I think I’ll get back to more of it this year. I’m ready.
Being Unemployed
“Everyone is judging me for not having a job.”
“I should have a perfect answer about my career plans.”
“We need to avoid talking about work completely.”
“I can’t enjoy the holiday until I have a job.”
“Being laid off means I’m not competent or worthy.”
Unemployment carries so much added shame, but it’s just a season, not a measure of our worth or abilities. Most people have their own struggles and fears, barely glancing at ours. Read my other piece about how to cope with a layoff for more thoughts on walking through the world after losing a job, too. And, remember, it’s only a stigma if we let it be. By talking about it openly and processing it with people, we can make it less scary for anyone who might be facing job insecurity.
Plus, we aren’t more worthy of a job if we make sure we suffer a little extra during the holidays. This isn’t a time or place for the Heaven’s Reward Fallacy. Eat your mashed potatoes and gravy and enjoy them.
Why Fact-Checking Matters
Learning to name and notice these thinking traps opens the door to change. Fact-checking helps us pause, challenge assumptions, and test whether our thoughts match what’s really happening. This involves separating facts from our interpretations and considering other possibilities. Every time we catch and question an unhelpful belief, we weaken old habitual paths and gradually reinforce new, more balanced ways of thinking.
The goal isn’t perfect optimism or immunity to discomfort—but raising enough awareness to pause and reflect, so our responses can match our actual needs and values. Changing ingrained thought patterns is an ongoing act of self-care, not a one-time fix. Each time we anticipate a thinking trap and shift direction, we’re gently rewiring our minds for greater balance and connection, both now and in future moments.
And I’ll give thanks for that.
Reflection Questions:
Could you relate to these distortions?
Which distortions are loudest for you this season?
Which reframes feel hardest to practice?
How do you feel after trying out a new thought or action?
What support or encouragement helps you recognize and shift old patterns?