Because ignoring it always works.

Avoidance is one of the most common—and most misunderstood—coping strategies we use to navigate discomfort. It’s not just procrastination or denial. It’s a protective mechanism, often rooted in fear, trauma, or overwhelm. And while it can offer short-term relief, it often comes at the cost of long-term growth, connection, and healing.

In psychological terms, avoidance refers to any behavior we use to escape, delay, or minimize contact with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, memories, or situations. It’s a central feature of anxiety, trauma responses, and many forms of maladaptive coping. It’s also what I experience every time I think about mourning the loss of my mother. My therapist has actually told me to schedule time to mourn. I think I’ll put it off a little longer.

I get it. I've been there. I'm there again.

When I was laid off in September, I was at home in my office. My one-to-one had started via Microsoft Teams and I saw two heads on the screen—one was my supervisor, the other was our HR partner. I said five words out loud the whole meeting: “Oh, shit. This is it.” Then I went on mute and typed what I needed to say as I volumelessly cried. I even attached the report I was going to go through with my supervisor, because I really just wanted them to have it and I’d crammed to get it done. But then I kind of lost the plot of the meeting. Things went a little fuzzy.

This again. The same spiral I’d experienced before of abject terror coupled with relief and sadness. My ego wasn’t as tied to it this time, because I’d already worked a lot on separating myself from my job after our last fairly devastating reorg. But I was still floored.

When martyrdom doesn't even come with a participation trophy.

The Heaven’s Reward Fallacy is a cognitive distortion where someone believes that self-sacrifice and hard work will inevitably be rewarded—whether through recognition, relief, or cosmic justice. It’s the mental script that says, “If I just keep doing the right thing, something good will come of it.”

It might sound similar to other cognitive distortions we’ve mentioned—there is a number related cognitive distortions that share similar themes of unrealistic expectations, misplaced fairness, or distorted cause-and-effect thinking. We’ve already talked about personalization, but here are some others to look into:

Learning to be wise at any age.

When I first started treatment for my eating disorder, I cried in a way I can only describe as machine-gun crying. Loud. Percussive. Relentless. It was like my body had been holding in decades of emotion and finally found the release valve. I wasn’t raised to be emotional. I didn’t even know what emotions were, really. I had to use an emotions wheel in therapy just to point to what I might be feeling. Turns out, someone who’s been overweight her whole life feels a lot of anger. And a lot of sadness. So much sadness.

That’s when I was introduced to the concept of Wise Mind in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It was a revelation.

I guess this is my life now.

One of the most common cognitive distortions is all-or-nothing thinking—the belief that things are either entirely good or entirely bad, success or failure, worthy or worthless. It’s the mental habit of seeing life in extremes, without room for nuance, complexity, or growth.

Understanding the fear of not enough.

Scarcity is more than a lack of resources—it’s a psychological experience that can shape how we think, feel, and behave. Whether it’s time, money, love, or opportunity, the perception that something essential is missing can narrow our focus, heighten stress, and drive us toward survival-based behaviors that may not serve us in the long run.

I'm getting good at being laid off.

Building mastery is a therapeutic concept rooted in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), where it serves as a key emotion regulation skill. It involves engaging in activities—big or small—that foster a sense of competence and control, especially during times of emotional distress or uncertainty. The goal isn’t perfection or productivity for its own sake, but rather intentional action that reinforces personal capability.

What might be the most important skill. Ever.

As a foundation for much of what we talk about when remapping our neural pathways, I want to dive into the concepts of cognitive biases, distortions, and fact-checking. A cognitive bias is a subconscious, systematic tendency in thinking that skews how we interpret information and make judgments, while a cognitive distortion is a habitual, inaccurate thought pattern that reinforces negative emotions or beliefs. For our purposes, I’m going to lump them together quite a bit, because we’re making broad strokes here.

When everything feels like it's about you--or, me, really.

One of the most common cognitive distortions is personalization—the belief that we are the cause of external events, especially negative ones. It’s the mental habit of assuming responsibility or blame for things outside our control.